Thursday, October 9, 2008


Good afternoon, I'm your local news reporter. Just thought I'd let you know that everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be? The United States is the greatest country in the world! The Bailout was approved, and the economy is all better. If you don't understand, we'll have some graphs and a really smart man in an even smarter suit on in a minute to explain.

The war is still going on, but it's a success. No need for photos or footage - that would just compromise our position and even more young men's lives would be lost. Why do you think we lost Vietnam? It's because we let you, the viewer, watch us lose it. Just trust us... we went to broadcasting school to learn how to look really sincere.

The Tot Mom is a bad woman, she's going to jail for a long time. We'll fill you in, so you don't have to listen to all this boring talk about war and the economy. Rodney King lied, but that's okay. He smokes crack now. I guess he feels really guilty for what his lies did to HIS people. No worries, he'll be on our sister station, VH1, soon; and Dr. Drew will make him all better.

All those nasty punk rockers drive really nice cars now. We mass market their clothes and merchandise, so they look a lot better. You don't have to worry about your kids wanting to look like them - it's 2008, and it's alright to look like them. Again, no fear: their loud songs are now filled with U.S. censor-approved lyrics about girls, cars and cell phones. They won't want to burn down any buildings, or shoot up their schools; but they may want your credit card to go shopping at the punk rock store in the mall. That's okay though, buying on credit boosts our economy.

All those dirty hippies work for us now. We hired them from PBS. They drive SUVs bigger than yours and have really healthy stock portfolios. They care more about the Bailout than you do. They'll be no protests this election... this time you have a real choice. Don't worry, you can vote for the old man... or go ahead and choose the nigger. They are both really swell guys.

Oh... that man outside your door?!?! He's just the cable repairman. He's hear to make sure that your TV is digital, so you won't miss the news next year. He'll be knocking shortly. He'll come in, take inventory of your house and lead you to our HD Ready showers where you'll get nice and clean. It's standard procedure... Trust us, we never lie.

Professional Revolutionaries

The Exploited - USA
NWA - Fuck the Police
Malcolm X - White Liberals
Mother of Invention - What's the Ugliest Part of Your Body
Reagan Youth - USA
Billy Bragg - Joe Hill
Bill Hicks - More War
Geto Boys - City Under Siege
Crass - Bloody Revolutions
Mothers of Invention - Bowtie Daddy
Paul Robeson - Joe Hill
D.O.A. - Smash the State
Rage Against the Machine - Fuck the Police
Malcom X - White Disease
The Coup - Fat Cats, Bigga Fish
Crucifucks - Hinkley Had a Vision

1 comment:

Misanthropic said...

Yay!!! I want my very own ready for the "hud" shower!!!